Facebook Ate My Blog

Ok, I haven't even thought about my blog since getting addicted to Facebook. I think Facebook is killing my blog. :(

Prayers needed!!

My friend Ron Stowe needs your prayers! Ron & I were Youth Ministers in SoCal but he has Acute Respitory Distress Syndrome resulting from the Swine Flu and is on life support in Scott & White Hospital in Temple, Texas. Pray for his wife Lauren, and kids Ali (21), Aaron (16), Victoria (15) & Nathan (11). Will you pray with me? bw

Put your lipstick on and go out!

Let the artist in you be free!

Thinking I'd be supermom (since I wouldn't let them watch TV), I let E and O paint a box while I cleaned the garage. They're pretty good, huh?














Then I went outside to empty the trash, and they painted the door...























Notice the look of remorse on E's face. O is trying her best to look sorry.


















Apology...Forgiveness...and all is well! A more colorful garage door isn't a bad idea anyway!

Go out for ice cream!

Babysit a flock of flamingos

Play in the sprinklers

Read...

Play in the after-rain puddle in the driveway!

Things to Do Instead of Watching TV

This summer our family is choosing to be "TV-Free". So far, we have thoroughly enjoyed it. We've been collecting ideas for a book, and I will share them here when I can. Our book is titled, "Things to Do Instead of Watching TV." I will post pictures and hopefully you'll get the idea.

Marriages Made in Heaven

A respected mentor of mine has said, "There are no marriages made in heaven." Which I take to mean that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. We are all human and with that comes flaws--and I get that.

But after reading Trisha's post from the other day, it got me to thinking. I know my wife isn't perfect--and we're both working on not expecting that from ourselves or each other. But on the other hand, here's my list of why Trisha is perfect for me...

She sees life from a totally different perspective. Yes, this leads to conflict. But I'm never bored with her. I'm actually fascinated by her in really surprising ways. For instance, why anyone would want to do crafts that involve glue, paint, small rolling thingees with young kids is shocking. Yes, they have a great time. But why would anyone want to deal with that mess? But that's my wife! And my kids adore her! The other night Elijah cried because we ran out of time to do a craft before bedtime. I love the way they love her -- living her life from a viewpoint miles away from mine.

Another reason Trisha is perfect for me is this: she's deep. She loves Jesus and struggles to know and understand God more every day. As crazy and silly as I can be, I love to know what's going on with her. I love to hear her pray. I love to read her notes to me--her words are heavy in my life! They reach deep into my heart. Especially when I've hurt her, it tears me up more than I can show. But at the end of the day, her depth of character and faith is like an anchor in the storms of life. God abides in her--and that is beautiful!

Trisha is perfect for me because she loves Jesus. This is why she pours so much into young children--she's serving the King! Last night was the end of Kingdom Kids Club--a teaching/worship time for kids that Trisha started and lead all year. It was a really big deal! The kids had been working on memorizing scripture and could make $1 per verse they learned. I had no idea what to expect--but I should have known. My son walked away with $21 & my younger daughter with $12. But more than making money--which was a fun way to encourage them--the last few days our car ride has been full of saying scriptures that they've learned by heart. Of course, I embellish with jingles and silly tunes--but we had fun getting God's word deep into our heart. And that's because my wife loves Jesus!

Other reasons my wife is perfect for me.....
her eyes are beautiful
her smile captivates me!
she loves me deeply.
she throws the world's best parties--and I LOVE to party:-)
she is patient
she is kind
she forgives...long before she's asked to
she is potty training a puppy
she is potty training our daughter!....simultaneously!
she is dedicated to doing good even if no one else encourages her to do so
she can make anything out of anything!
she is honest with me
she is an amazing leader and servant
she is creative and loves fresh ideas
she will tell me what she thinks
she likes for me to hold her
she makes the perfect cup of coffee (and unbelievable chocolate cakes!!)
she cares deeply about her neighbors
she gives generously
she is still growing as a follower of Jesus
she is a woman worthy of my respect and admiration!!

I know marriages aren't made in heaven! But I love my life with Trisha. I'm proud to be her husband and the father of her children! Thanks for being perfect for me sweetheart! bw

Quote of the day

"Nothing would be done at all if one waited until one could do it so well that no one could find fault with it." John Henry Newman

I recently read that being a perfectionist is a weakness, not a strength. Offended as I was at this, I have come to agree. "Discouraged perfectionist" is Kevin Leman's word for me. I can't even begin to count the number of unfinished projects and tasks in my life. All because I get frozen by the need to do it just right. AGH! Now to figure out what to do about this awareness!

Roots 1 (Things You Never Want to hear your Dentist say!)

A few years ago, after getting X-rays of my teeth, my Dentist said something to me that I'll never forget.

He held the x-ray up to his light and exclaimed, "Ben, never get a root canal!! You have the longest roots I have ever seen!" I nervously laughed and asked God to be merciful and spare me that fate.

Well, a few months ago I had some work done on my teeth and had a crack filled. Everything seemed to be fine--but a few weeks later I began to notice the filled tooth had a lot of sensitivity. So I went back into my new Dentist and he looked at what was going on and he delivered this message: you may need a root canal.

He couldn't know for sure, so I went back to see him today. After showing me the tooth, he advised we wait another month before we decide to do anything.

Soooo, I'm still begging God to spare me a root canal and hope that the nerves in my tooth mellow out!!

Alex and Abe

Today Alex brought home a book about Abe Lincoln for a project. As he read, he put the book down and said, "See? He IS just like me!" Of course I wondered what specific characteristic of old Abe struck such an emotional chord in my son. "He loved animals and would NEVER hurt them." (Bet you didn't know that!) Then Alex told that Abe had to kill a turkey once, but said he could never do it again. As he spoke, he actually got got teary and choked up. A few minutes later he told me that he walked across an ice pond (or something like that) just to rescue a dog. He was so impressed! Nevermind that he brought an end to slavery, etc. While my heart prays that Alex will love people's souls more than he loves dogs, I love his tender heart. And I guess Abe Lincoln isn't such a bad role model for him to admire!

Joy

Joy is listening to my sweet Elijah sing his very own song:

"I love my family! I love my mom, I love my dad. I love my sisters and my brother.
And I love Jesus.

My mom loves me, my dad loves me, Katy loves me, Alex loves me, Olivie loves me, and Jesus loves me the most!"

On and on, swinging away in the backyard. THAT is pure joy!

And oh, how I am blessed by it!

And one more...

I have to post this because someday I'll forget it. If I had a baby book for Elijah, I'd write it there. Sadly, he's going to have to look in my blog archives someday....

Anyway, I overheard him early this morning after his first interaction with baby sister. "Hey God! (as if he's on the phone) I would like it if you would take Olivia up to heaven today."

I don't think he was wishing her ill, just needed a break from the intensity. What better arrangement than for her to have a little visit up there while he plays with his toys uninterrupted?

I knew this day was coming

So I went to a Children's Pastor's Conference and attended a class on purity, which freaked me out when I realize my 9-year old boy was ready to know some stuff....(Daddy had a conversation with him awhile ago but he didn't really need to know much.)

So tonight we started a new family activity--reading our Bibles together after supper. We started in Matthew. Alex, my proficient reader, was fascinated. Every few minutes he just had to share.

So he says, "Mom, listen to this! 'So he had no se..ual relations with her until she gave birth to a son.' I didn't know that!" Calm as can be.

I gather my wits and say, "Do you know what that means?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I?" Oh. My. Here it comes. Right in the middle of our first Family Bible Reading Night. Why on earth did we think it was a good idea to read our Bibles????

I calmly ask, "So, what does it mean?"

"Like they never went on dates and stuff. Of course I know what it means. I have a very good vocabulary for a 9-year old." After a few more questions confirming that in his precious, innocent mind "se..ual relations" really just means dates and stuff, I breathe a sigh of relief.

You see, at the conference they told me that we his parents must be the first to share all that information with our son. Some kids already know by his age. I ordered all the books we need, but they won't arrive for a few weeks. Maybe we have a little more time. Oh, Lord! Give us wisdom and grace to share this delicate treasure of life with him.

The most precious part comes at bedtime. Alex says he has no idea how interesting just reading his Bible would be. He wants to spend the whole day reading it tomorrow. Thank You, Lord. May his heart grow closer to You as he reads the life-giving words from his Bible. What an honor to be his mom.

Oops!

Maybe I shouldn't say this on the worldwide web, but today I got a chance to watch the local news story about President Bush's visit. Remember I told you that we stood right next to Mrs. Watson, Bush's 2nd grade teacher? Well, they interviewed her (how did we miss this???) and there, on the tv screen in the very close-up background was my sweet daughter PICKING HER NOSE. I mean, digging. To protect her dignity, I will not tell you which daughter.

They showed this little snippet twice during the story. Nice.

Oddest Game Ever

Rick Reilly is one of my favorite writers of all time. He's funny, caring and seems to look out for standing up for good and standing against bad.

This story of his is now my favorite. You can either read it here or go to his website (I hope this isn't stealing!!)

LIFE OF REILLY
There are some games in which cheering for the other side feels better than winning.
by Rick Reilly


Melinda Wright
Gainesville State players douse head coach Mark Williams in celebration.

They played the oddest game in high school football history last month down in Grapevine, Texas. It was Grapevine Faith vs. Gainesville State School and everything about it was upside down. For instance, when Gainesville came out to take the field, the Faith fans made a 40-yard spirit line for them to run through.

Did you hear that? The other team's fans? They even made a banner for players to crash through at the end. It said, "Go Tornadoes!" Which is also weird, because Faith is the Lions.

"I WOULDN'T EXPECT ANOTHER PARENT TO TELL SOMEBODY TO HIT THEIR KIDS. BUT THEY WANTED US TO!"

It was rivers running uphill and cats petting dogs. More than 200 Faith fans sat on the Gainesville side and kept cheering the Gainesville players on—by name.

"I never in my life thought I'd hear people cheering for us to hit their kids," recalls Gainesville's QB and middle linebacker, Isaiah. "I wouldn't expect another parent to tell somebody to hit their kids. But they wanted us to!"

And even though Faith walloped them 33-14, the Gainesville kids were so happy that after the game they gave head coach Mark Williams a sideline squirt-bottle shower like he'd just won state. Gotta be the first Gatorade bath in history for an 0-9 coach.

But then you saw the 12 uniformed officers escorting the 14 Gainesville players off the field and two and two started to make four. They lined the players up in groups of five—handcuffs ready in their back pockets—and marched them to the team bus. That's because Gainesville is a maximum-security correctional facility 75 miles north of Dallas. Every game it plays is on the road.
This all started when Faith's head coach, Kris Hogan, wanted to do something kind for the Gainesville team. Faith had never played Gainesville, but he already knew the score. After all, Faith was 7-2 going into the game, Gainesville 0-8 with 2 TDs all year. Faith has 70 kids, 11 coaches, the latest equipment and involved parents. Gainesville has a lot of kids with convictions for drugs, assault and robbery—many of whose families had disowned them—wearing seven-year-old shoulder pads and ancient helmets.

So Hogan had this idea. What if half of our fans—for one night only—cheered for the other team? He sent out an email asking the Faithful to do just that. "Here's the message I want you to send:" Hogan wrote. "You are just as valuable as any other person on planet Earth."

Some people were naturally confused. One Faith player walked into Hogan's office and asked, "Coach, why are we doing this?"
And Hogan said, "Imagine if you didn't have a home life. Imagine if everybody had pretty much given up on you. Now imagine what it would mean for hundreds of people to suddenly believe in you."

Next thing you know, the Gainesville Tornadoes were turning around on their bench to see something they never had before. Hundreds of fans. And actual cheerleaders!

"I thought maybe they were confused," said Alex, a Gainesville lineman (only first names are released by the prison). "They started yelling 'DEE-fense!' when their team had the ball. I said, 'What? Why they cheerin' for us?'"

It was a strange experience for boys who most people cross the street to avoid. "We can tell people are a little afraid of us when we come to the games," says Gerald, a lineman who will wind up doing more than three years. "You can see it in their eyes. They're lookin' at us like we're criminals. But these people, they were yellin' for us! By our names!"

Maybe it figures that Gainesville played better than it had all season, scoring the game's last two touchdowns. Of course, this might be because Hogan put his third-string nose guard at safety and his third-string cornerback at defensive end. Still.
After the game, both teams gathered in the middle of the field to pray and that's when Isaiah surprised everybody by asking to lead. "We had no idea what the kid was going to say," remembers Coach Hogan. But Isaiah said this: "Lord, I don't know how this happened, so I don't know how to say thank You, but I never would've known there was so many people in the world that cared about us."
And it was a good thing everybody's heads were bowed because they might've seen Hogan wiping away tears.
As the Tornadoes walked back to their bus under guard, they each were handed a bag for the ride home—a burger, some fries, a soda, some candy, a Bible and an encouraging letter from a Faith player.

The Gainesville coach saw Hogan, grabbed him hard by the shoulders and said, "You'll never know what your people did for these kids tonight. You'll never, ever know."

And as the bus pulled away, all the Gainesville players crammed to one side and pressed their hands to the window, staring at these people they'd never met before, watching their waves and smiles disappearing into the night.

Anyway, with the economy six feet under and Christmas running on about three and a half reindeer, it's nice to know that one of the best presents you can give is still absolutely free.

Hope.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?section=magazine&id=3789373

Unattainable II

I have no idea what Trisha has been reading, but on this side of the cookies & homemade bread--I was blessed! The kids loved the cookies. Olivia had so much chocolate on her I had to wash her hands twice--that's my girl!! Lots of smiles and stories we got to share around those cookies!

The dinner was great too! Healthy--with fresh veggies! And the bread was to die for! I just love the smells that lingered all night through our house. Amazing!!

All from my sweet wife who loves me and our kids in a beautiful way! Thanks Trisha for trying for the unattainable!! I love my life with you and our kids!

Unattainable

Yesterday I was determined to be SuperMom. I had read some blogs the night before that painted a picture of home and hearth, warm, cozy days spent nurturing precious children and creating beautiful memories along the way.

I want to create beautiful memories for my precious ones, so I decided yesterday would be the beginning. I'm sure I went about it all wrong, but I really didn't think my goals were too lofty--cookie baking, warm homemade bread to go with our fabulous Italian dinner. Creating fun moments of nurture.

So after preschool, the little ones and I began assembling the ingredients for "Choc-Oat Chip Cookies", a little healthy and a lot yummy. As I walked to the fridge to get the eggs, sweet Elijah decided to punch a hole through the top of the oats (still sealed shut). Crash! Down went the jar of alfredo sauce intended for dinner (I'd been so proactive to already have it by the stove!) Shards of glass and slimy sauce from one end of the kitchen to the other, covering stool legs, cabinets and appliances.

I began having terrible visions of the new puppy enjoying the yummy sauce, cutting her tongue and bleeding to death. "Elijah, grab the dog and contain her!" (a hard task for a 4-year old). "Olivia, out of the kitchen!" The next 20 minutes I spent scooping, sweeping, mopping, sweeping again, vacuuming the corners. Somewhere in there the big kids and Dad arrived. Elijah yelled, "Surprise! We have cookies!" Only what we had was a pile of glass and sauce and a half-finished batch of dough in the mixer.

By the time the cookies were finished and ready to enjoy, all my dreams of SuperMom-ness were shattered.

The moral of this story: Quit reading blogs written by SuperMoms. They must have something I don't have...or they're not telling the whole truth.

An Unforgettable Night!

At the welcome home party for George W. Bush tonight I was truly blessed. It was a night I'll never forget--and I hope my kids never forget. Through a series of simple events, we got bumped from white (general admission) to red (VIP admission) and then to blue (event level admission) and were able to sit in the handicap section with our stroller & kids. We had a great view and were just blessed by getting to be near such an amazing person.

It is truly amazing to hear George Bush talk about what matters to him--and to hear his fondness for his wife and parents and the people of America--just so great!!

Here's a picture, and a link for more!!
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30157915&id=1523289963&ref=mf

Presidential thoughts

Our democracy is amazing. Tomorrow will be an unforgettable day. My prayers are with our new President that God will give him wisdom in his new job. I like the fact that he's asked Rick Warren to say his prayer--that's cool.

I'm also fired up about seeing George W. Bush in Midland tomorrow. It's going to be one big crazy party. My whole family is going--and although it will be crowded, I hope my kids enjoy being part of the historic moment. Maybe I'll get a decent picture?

Quote of the Day

I watched a video marking the 1 year anniversary of a young woman named Lygon Stevens, who died last year in an avalanche. She and her brother were together doing one of their favorite things--climbing, and her brother survived. After her death her family found several journals full of her thoughts and discovered she was a gifted writer and clearly had a deeper relationship with the Lord than they even knew. When her brother was interviewed by a Denver TV station just a few days ago, he said he has decided to change the question from "Why?" He said, "I'm gonna seek who You are until I'm no longer offended by what You've done."

Word for the Year

I ran across a blog that asked readers to share their "theme word" for the year. I realized that I have already been doing that for a few years now. In 2005-6 my theme was "believe". Then in 2007 it was Prov. 3:5-6 (not a word--a verse, I know). Last year it was "Joy".

As I reflect on these themes it's delightful to realize that God has grown me in these areas. Not to perfection, but I'm making progress.

So I've been praying about a theme God might want to grow in me this year and have finally settled on "FOCUS". For the last few years, I have felt scattered in my thinking. The woman who used to be able to sit down and make lists to complete projects and get things done--has been frozen! In light of the things God has been doing in our family in recent months and the many changes ahead for us, I'm praying that God will teach me to focus on what is important.

So if you were to consider a "theme" word or phrase or verse for 2009, what would it be? I'd love to know!

A Grief Observed

Tonight someone you know is crying themselves to sleep. Someone you care about is hurting more deeply than you can imagine.

Tonight my heart has taken a roller coaster ride as I read through some of my family's blogs. From absolute joy and gratitude as many of my family members celebrate their marriages at this time of year (happy anniversary to all...) to absolute sadness over the pain of loss, especially the loss of our sweet nephew Connor. When our family is together, thoughts of him always come to the surface. He loved being with our family and he is missed every time we are together.

We attended 2 funerals during our Christmas vacation. Both were people we didn't know well, but whose families we love very much. We stood at the grave of a dear man who died too early to enjoy his grandkids, and I know his dear wife misses him deeply.

We are deeply saddened by news of hurting marriages, cancer, and all that is wrong in the world.

In this season of tremendous joy, tonight I am praying for so many I love whose hearts are heavy. May the God of all comfort fill your heart with peace tonight. I'm thankful for the hope we have for wonderful reunions someday, even for the pain that holds the memories of people we love close to our hearts.

I'm so richly blessed to share life with all my hurting family and friends. God is still good, all the time. I will have to post happier thoughts later. Many, many happy things have been going on too!

Last night we had a Pajama Party at church. We invited all our friends from Harvest Party for an evening of games, crafts, smores by the campfire, pictures with Santa and of course the Christmas story. We had "Family Fondue" with homemade cheese fondue and chocolate sauce (which Alex made) along with all sorts of finger/dipping foods. I had no idea what to expect (we had 1 RSVP), but planned for about 100-150 people. We think we had somewhere in the range of 200, and many of them were from the community.

Besides the marshmallows-on-the-carpet game disaster, my only regret was not planning enough time for us to actually do a pageant. I decided not to do our formal pageant this year and opted for the party because it seemed more visitor-friendly. That was certainly true, but I missed our kids dressing up and telling the story.

We did a little musical program during Sunday morning worship, which was sweet, and we were able to include about 15 first-time visitors in that since it wasn't a big, polished program. It's hard sometimes to discern what will be most effective in reaching people for Jesus. As I sat and watched those 15 new kids on our stage, singing along and trying to do the hand motions, it was worth the lack of polish. ALL those kids returned for the party last night, plus a bunch from the community.

Last night was my last official activity as the children's minister at New Life. I'm trying really hard not to be sad about that. I have enjoyed serving our church in that way and it's hard to imagine not being in the middle of everything at this time next year. I trust that the Lord has a plan that will be good for our family and for New Life.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling the post-event elation/analyzation/exhaustion feelings I always feel after a big "God-party" as Alex called it. The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy!!!

We get home from school today and Elijah says, "AGH! I have so much to do!" (in a passionate voice that sounds like maybe he heard that from an adult somewhere...) I ask him what he had to do and he says, "Put away my backpack. I guess that's all. And help you." Such an intense amount of responsibility for such a small child.

They clapped!

Well, we have big news. For the saake of simplicity (and sleep), I'm going to post here the letter we read to our church today. Then I'll tell you a little more.

"We have always said that we want to be the kind of people who would go wherever God would lead us and we believe He's leading us to a new ministry opportunity. I have been given a unique opportunity that fits Trisha's & my gifts and passions. I have been asked to lead the Unlock Ministry team. We see this as the chance of a lifetime because it lines up with my heart for equipping young leaders to change the world and Trisha¹s heart for ministering to under-served kids. As we have prayed and asked God for direction, it seems hard to deny that He is saying "yes" at every turn.

I will primarily be responsible for planning and leading Opportunity Camp and all its programs throughout the year, as well as continuing to help start First Priority clubs in Odessa and Midland. This means that I must step down from my post as a full time Minister at New Life. It also means that Trisha needs to step back from her role as the Children¹s Minister.

The good news is that, although we won't be on full-time staff, we are not leaving New Life as our church home. I will continue leading worship part-time, leading our LifeGroup and helping with Oasis, at least through May. Trisha will continue teaching and leading Kingdom Kids Club.

We want to make it very clear that we love this church. It's incredible to
think back almost 4 years ago when we met Tim and Melinda. We asked God to plant a church in Odessa--and 4 years later, look what He has done!! What an awesome journey!

It has been an honor to give our lives to God's work here, and we are proud to be associated with the Halsteads. We believe as strongly as ever that He chose Tim and Melinda to lead us. We love and respect them deeply. They have sacrificed in countless ways to grow this church. And they have blessed us beyond what we could have imagined in their response to this new opportunity for us. We are so grateful for their grace to us. They need your prayers and support more than ever!

We also believe that God can change the world through young people. The ministry to teens and kids that happens here at New Life is vitally important, and it needs to continue to be a high priority. Some of you are going to be needed vitally to step up and help in ways you might not have done before. Please pray about what God is putting on your heart to do--just
say yes to whatever He asks. He¹ll show you the how, just be obedient to
Him! This transition doesn't scare God in the least. He will be faithful to what He has started here!

The last thing we want to say is Thank You! Thank you for being our family!
Thank you for loving us and our kids! Thank you for working alongside us in the Kingdom, and for the support so many of you have already expressed as we try to follow God as a family. Thank you for your ongoing prayers support of us and this church. We love you!"

So there you go! When Ben finished reading the letter (which didn't surprise many because we've spent the week telling almost everyone at New Life), they actually gave us a standing ovation. That, my friends, is the goodness of the Lord. It is grace we don't deserve. Tim (our senior pastor) stood and said some very affirming things to us, emphasizing that we are being "sent" to do this new ministry, multiplying the work of our church, and that we will have lots of opportunity to partner Unlock ministry with New Life, especially using our facility.

We are in the midst of a HUGE transition for our family. We're venturing outside the world of local church ministry and it's a little frightening to me, because I've gotten pretty comfortable in my identity as "minister's wife." Our life has revolved around church work for as long as we've known each other. We love our partners Tim and Melinda and they are the ones who will feel the loss. So I grieve losing that partnership, at least in the way we have shared life together for the last 3 1/2 years.

But here's what I love. God has shown Himself faithful already. I'm feeling more peaceful each day as I see Him put things in place to provide for New Life. Already Backyard Buddies summer program and Harvest Party, my two biggest events, have someone willing to help lead them.

And I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about pouring our hearts into the kids at Unlock. If you know me well at all, you know that God has put this love in my heart and I can't wait to see how He works all this out! (I know, it's not ME who's taking on the job, but I have a feeling I'll find ways to serve in it:)

AND, one woman after church kept asking me, "So, what will YOU be doing???" I said, "Well, uh, I'm going to be supporting Ben in his ministry. blah blah blah" But she wasn't satisfied, and asked again, "What is it you will be DOING?" "Well, I guess I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom." She raised her arms in the air and said, "YES!!!" Again, confirmation from God that choosing this for my family is not shirking my duty, but fulfilling it.

I ramble on, but just want to testify to the goodness and power of my God. He is so smart, so loving, so faithful, so utterly amazing! May you find that to be true today too!

How about a Wall/Wall ticket in 2036?

My kids have decided they would make a great team to run for President/Vice President. They will be eligible in 2036. The agenda they will push will be:

No killing.
No stealing.
Everyone needs to love Jesus.
No smoking.

That's it--simple, clear and bold. What do you think?

(Sorry--I know this is a mood shift from the last post, but we need some levity around here.)

A Heart that Hurts

I would like to tell you what God is up to in my life, but sometimes I really don't know. I just trust that the pain He's walked me through will be redeemed somehow.

I'm not really sure why I feel compelled to right this right now, but I just need to express some things that have been on my heart for years but haven't known how to get out. I guess they are like broken shards of glass in my soul, and they need to be shared.

The worst moment of my life happened about this week, 5 years ago. After dealing with infertility for years, we now had 2 beautiful kids and a 3rd on the way. I was finally getting into the groove of being excited with Trisha about our pregnancy. I had made a 40 week calendar with pictures & details of what the child looked like and key facts about its development each week. That calendar had taken a lot of time to create, and I was so proud to give it to Trisha for her birthday. We were so happy looking forward to meeting this baby!

After 14 weeks of being sick all day, Trisha finally turned a corner and felt great. On this particular day, 18 weeks along, it was Friday, my day off and so I stayed home with Alex & Katy and let them sleep in. It was the first doctor's s appointment that I skipped, and I regret not going with Trisha to this day. I still remember her phone call to me after the first ultrasound (which is done with a simple, crude almost device) begging me to pray--they couldn't find a heartbeat and were moving her into a room with a high powered ultrasound machine. Her voice trembled. My heart sank. My stomach recoiled. I prayed. I cried. I gathered Alex & Katy around me and we prayed. We began getting our stuff together--I knew I had to get up to the doctor's office immediately! A few minutes later she called back, weeping. My heart couldn't bear it. My wife was crushed and I wasn't even with her!! How alone she must have felt!! What kind of lame husband doesn't go to the doctor with his wife, my internal voice screamed!

So I threw the kids in the car and rushed like a madman to get her. I will never forget seeing her weeping out in front of that building. I ran to her and just wept with her. I had no idea what to do--but my heart was so hurt, so crushed about this new reality that was smashing my heart and Trisha's! We were powerless in its wake. And the sorrow came in like waves. But it was different for me than it was for Trisha. I was sad, but she had been bonding with this baby for several months and now held her unborn child in her body.

I still have no real way to know what a pregnant mother feels in those moments. I know what it's like to hold the woman I love in my arms as she weeps. Trying to say something and then feeling like an idiot when I'm foolish enough to do that (which seems to often it seems--sorry, sweetheart!). Trisha, for what it's worth, I love you and am sorry for that great loss that we've shared together. I'm sorry for not remembering this week more consistently--and I hope that my calendering is accurate.

I love you, and I guess that's all I'm trying to say. What you feel matters to me, even if I don't know how to say it or show it. I'm so glad we're in this together, heart and soul. I'm praying for you today--that God will continue to heal our hurting hearts.

P.S.--A few weeks later they had to take the baby. We were told that the procedure would be such that we wouldn't be able to identify the gender. However, our doctor was able to find out that we were expecting a baby girl. We named her Hope Victoria Wall, because someday we'll get to see her when our hope in God is a crowning victory over sin and death. Until then sweetheart, snuggle-buggle Jesus for a few years--He's the best there is at comforting the broken hearted!

Harvest Party Pix!!

Ok, I'm just going to post all of these pix because I can't decide which I like best!!

Food for Thought

There's a book that I keep going back to again and again as I seek to be a leader who people can trust--it's called: "Integrity: the courage to meet the demands of reality" by Henry Cloud.

In the book he talks about developing 6 core competencies in becoming a leader that is whole--or in my words, undivided! I must confess that I haven't even read the whole book yet--but it's already helping me get a perspective on reality and what I need to change to become a leader that completely integrates my hopes, beliefs and actions.

So tonight I begin in my bedroom--to love my wife like Christ loved the church so she would be holy (undivided, integrated, complete). Lord knows I've got a lot of growing to do in this area! bw

Vote!

I got a lump in my throat today when I walked out of my voting booth. Maybe because I feel tense about the outcome of this election.

Really though, I think I got emotional because I got to vote and it made me thankful to be an American. In some tiny little way, I have a voice in decisions that affect the entire world. I loved the democratic process.

So if you haven't already voted already, please go! And may the best man win!

Tagged

My sister April tagged me with this...

Here are the rules: Grab the nearest book. Open the book to page 56. Find the fifth sentence. Post the text of the next two to five sentences in your blog along with these instructions. Do not dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST. Tag five other people to do the same.

So here it is, from Philip Gulley's newest book "I Love You, Miss Huddleston", loaned to me by a friend whose brother-in-law is Gulley's agent. It's the "Uncorrected Proof."

"Everyone in town was related to us, connected by generations of liaisons, some recognized by the church, others not. Feuds from the 1920s were as fresh as yesterday.
"Your great-grandmother Gulley and your great-grandmother Mackey had a fistfight there," my great-uncle Johnny told me, some fifty years later, pointing to a spot in the street. "I was six years old, and Mrs. Gulley had a new electric washer and yelled across the street to Mrs. Mackey that she was too poor to have an electric washer. They met right there in the middle of the street, slapping and scratching and pulling hair."
Decades later, he was still embarrassed by it. "But we don't talk about it," he said.

Oh, how I pray that decades later my children won't be sharing stories of my foolishness with embarrassment! I'm supposed to tag people. Jana, Anda, Cheryl, Cherise--what are you reading these days?

Dear Sir or Madam

who chose to spend your time creating a virus and sending it to my Inbox,
You are very mean (and clever, I suppose), and you have really complicated my life. Why do you think it's fun to destroy things that matter to other people? Do you know that the pictures of my children that were stored on my computer were precious to me? Do you know that the documents there were created to help make the world a better place--to teach children about Jesus who loves them with an everlasting love? Do you know that the emails I have been writing and receiving were about things that mattered, at least some of them? I realize that these things are not important to you, but they are to me.

You must have a very empty life, and you need the love of Jesus. So if you are reading this please know that I'm praying for you. Find someone who knows Jesus and ask them to tell you what a life that is full and meaningful feels like. I promise you won't regret it.

Hello out there!

I have been distracted by a 2-week headache that is finally gone tonight! Praise God!!! That and a new fascination with Facebook.

Anyway, I'm working on plans for the weekend and wondering about you, Jana A. Call or email me, friend!

Meanwhile, highlights of the last few days...
Elijah got new tennis shoes today. You would have thought I'd bought him a Mustang or something. I just love his enthusiasm for life. Most days I hear "Mom, this is the best day EVER!" for some fun reason--the discovery of caterpillars at the church or dad taking him outside to ride bikes or whatever. Love it!

Alex reading. He is a great reader, but not terribly motivated by the AR system at school. It is finally becoming clear to me that I have to get on him about this, so I told him he had to read at least 30 minutes today. He picked up "Nim's Island" and started reading. I had to let him stay up a few minutes past bedtime to finish the last few pages. I kept hearing laughter and comments about differences from the movie. It was fun to observe my big kid loving a good book!

Olivia threw up for a few hours last night. That wasn't fun, but it was sure sweet cuddling her in between. She's a preschool drop-out and I'm loving having her home to myself a few hours a week.

Katy and Alex and I spent an hour at the Christmas store a few days ago. They thoroughly enjoyed thinking about the season that's upon us! I love it!

Ben got to go to LA for a Dodger game last weekend. Spur of the moment fun for him to be with our dear friends. He needed something fun!

Oops!

I spent a very long time the other night writing about my experience meeting our President, then when I went to save it my computer freaked out. I apparently have a virus given to me by an email that came from "ups" telling me that a package I had mailed didn't get delivered and instructing me to open the file, print it out and take it to the UPS office. UGH!!! I was so mad.

Anyway, I have much to say about our President! For now I'll just say that President Bush is a man of God and I respect him very much. It was a great honor to get to meet him and hear him speak. More later...